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isn’t it crazy how one day you’re trying to kill yourself, and then the next day, you and the people around you pretend like nothing ever happened?

i’m trying so hard to keep my mind off of everything — the reason why i attempted and the day i did it — but it just keeps coming back. i tried to keep myself busy by trying new hobbies to not try to kill myself again. i tried making flowers out of yarns, folding paper stars and filling up a whole jar with it, and reading a book (a self-help book at that), but nothing is working. i keep spiraling back. maybe you’re thinking, “you need to get some help, go to therapy, find a psychiatrist” but the thing is, i don’t want to admit that there’s something wrong with me. i don’t want to think that i’m weak so i need help.

if you were to visit my boarding house right now, you would either want to leave or clean up the mess. well, my mind’s a mess so it’s probably no surprise that my house is a mess too. i can’t say i’m proud though. i used to be a productive, organized freak but ever since that happened, everything just changed. my habits, my interests, my routine, my thinking. everything. i find it boggling how one person and one single incidence can ruin your once peaceful, happy life lol.

i keep thinking that maybe i’m a bad person that’s why this happened to me. everything happens for a reason, right? i tried convincing myself that i deserve to live but sometimes i still can’t help but think that this happened to me because i don’t deserve to live anymore. don’t get me wrong though, i don’t really hate myself. i just want rest and a peace of mind. it just feels like living doesn’t sound like peace anymore so maybe being dead would feel more like it.