today, i finally had the courage to tidy up my house

ever since that incident happened, i was just not myself anymore. i was out of my mind. i had been depressed, unenthusiastic, and uninterested about everything. i got lazy and just threw everything anywhere, literally and metaphorically. it's true that if your mind's a mess, your room becomes a mess too.  

i have no idea what has gotten into me today. i'm still trying to figure out what gave me the motivation and the courage to clean my room today. i really have no idea why i randomly, on a rainy Monday afternoon of July, decided to fucking get my life together. do i really have no idea or did i just forget the reason? i'm odd aren't i? yeah, i think so too. 

but i'm thinking of several possible reasons like maybe: (a) i have nothing else better to do with my life so i just randomly decide to clean my shit? or (b) i don't want my life to be crumbling anymore so i start by cleaning? or (c) i want to keep myself busy so i won't think about killing myself again? or (d) i want a clear my mind so i need a clean room? or (e) i just want to have a clear space to walk around on because i throw everything on the floor so it's literally blocking my way? ... or maybe all of the above. i really don't know.

i just suddenly had the urge to finally go to the laundry shop, fold a month-old-worth of laundry, sweep the floors, wash the 2-week-old pile of dishes, remove the groceries that's been sitting in the grocery box for months now, and i even brushed my crocs clean lol. i also fixed myself dinner because i noticed it has been a while since i did and i had so much leftovers in my fridge. i also did my homework due tomorrow and took some notes from our class to study for our upcoming exam on Friday, which are unlikely of me because i mostly procrastinate. 

i don't know, man, but whatever the reason is, i think it's good and i'm proud of myself. i know to some, it may not be that much of an achievement but to me, it is a big one. all this time i had just been rotting myself in bed. i've been trying so hard for weeks to get out of that pit because something kept pulling me, holding me back to do shit. it's crazy. and i find it amazing how i finally did it! i did it! i finally cleaned my room LOL! congratulations, self. i know it's baby steps, but it's still a step towards improvement, right?

damn. so this is what if feels like to be mentally ill. lmao