A letter to 30-year-old Mandella

Dearest 30-year-old Mandella, 

It’s me, your 20-year-old self. How are you? I hope your answer won’t be “I don’t know, I kinda just want to disappear” anymore. Are you still alive? Well, even if you’re not anymore, I think I’ll understand. Life’s tough here right now. But if you ever read this, just know that I’m proud of you because the fact that you turned 30 already makes you the bravest and the coolest. I’m not in a good state right now, I mean you already know that, right? But I don’t want you to remember all those bad memories anymore. That stays here in the past. Let’s put all those traumatic experiences in the trash now. I hope you’re healed or at least healing. I’m still dealing with those wounds and I don’t think I’m gonna be able to heal as fast. You know how dramatic we are lol.

How’s the future? Are you liking it just fine? I often get worried about the future, so should I still get worried or is everything alright there? I hope you have everything you prayed for and dreamed of. But you know what, the only thing I wish for you right now is that you’re genuinely happy because that is something I cannot do right now. I’m not happy and I can’t be happy. I’m thinking maybe this is not my year, so I hope that 30-year-old Mandella will be the happiest. 

How’s the family? Do you still talk to mama? Does she still call you and say, “Nasaan na ang anak kong hindi maalala ang nanay?” Do we still love her the same? How’s your cousins? Maffi, Ate Karel, Ate Lady. Don’t forget that they helped us get through what I’m going through right now. 

What about your college friends? Do you still keep in touch with them? Ate Bhijay, Ate Marjorie, Ate Angelica, Ate Anjella, and Ate Schazee. Remember those people? They helped you a lot in college, especially when you were struggling with your mental health. 

No one tells me this right now but I’ll be the one to tell you this, 30-year-old: You are worthy of love and care. Everything you’ve been through made you so strong and it made you who you are right now. Wherever you are right now, I am proud of you. It doesn't matter if you became a veterinarian or not, as long as you're happy, I am proud of whoever you have become. I love you.

Love, 20-year-old Mandella